


This Graceless Age

by guineapiggie



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, I tried to make it light but then it all got so sad, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 13:52:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9184555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guineapiggie/pseuds/guineapiggie
Summary: “Well, she's not here and she wasn't with us on the mission, I know how much faith you have in that girl's assessment, but this is honestly idiotic.” Draven mutters. “Fuck Erso, seriously.”Oh Force, Bodhi thinks and reflexively ducks under the desk. That man is dead. Dead. The Captain might have a stiff shoulder, and stiff knees too if he’s to be believed, but Bodhi has little doubt he could take anyone in this room, even without the blaster underneath his jacket.A very strained silence hangs in the room and Bodhi starts wondering what he’ll do. He’s sitting close enough to be reprimanded if he doesn’t step in, but he’d have to be suicidal to put himself into the Captain’s way...Then someone starts laughing.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was sort of inspired by a tumblr text post going:  
> \- K-2SO: "Fuck Jyn Erso."  
> \- Cassian: "I'm trying!"  
> It seemed out of character for him to say that out loud, but I kind of thought the basic idea was a little too good to not do anything with it.
> 
> Okay, I'll admit to three things more:  
> 1) I am at this point actively looking for Bon Jovi quotes. But it's really not hard. Bon Jovi just works for those, (and someone pointed out to me that Diego Luna was in a rather weird, kinda trashy-looking vampire flick with Jon Bon Jovi? And the hilarity of that is just too good to miss.)
> 
> 2) I want to say this fits into the storyline of "Beinahe" and it does - almost. Let's just say Cassian had a back-up of Kay-Too? I've seen that in a ton of fics and I felt like that scene needed Kay-Too and I don't even know. Anyway. The rest - how they survived etc - I just went back to "Beinahe".
> 
> 3) I have no idea what this is, I wanted to write something lighter and then everything just came crashing down. It went to a direction I had not quite intended and I'm not sure if I like it because it doesn't feel like a rounded thing, but please, see for yourself.

_These days are fast, nothing lasts_  
_There ain't no time to waste_  
_There ain't nobody left but us these days_

\- from "These Days" by Bon Jovi

* * *

 

It’s three in the morning. Bodhi fights the urge to rest his head on the table top. He envies Kay-Too – the droid might run out of batteries eventually, but at least he doesn’t have to keep his eyes from falling shut.

He also envies Cassian for his iron resolve. The captain looks slightly grey in the face but far more awake than he can possibly be under the dim light of the conference room.

The whole conversation is going in circles, and as far as Bodhi understood they keep talking about a bunch of codes that they haven’t even intercepted yet. He really can’t make a lot of sense out of all that, and once again he feels he lacks a certain political savvy. But then again, even Cassian and Senator Organa look bored – fine, maybe Cassian is just tired.

“We can’t spare any troops for a direct hit,” the Senator says once Bodhi snaps out of whatever trance he’s fallen into. 

“So we’re back to square one. We can’t get in.”

“I _said_ , we could get in,” Cassian says quietly. 

“Who’s we in that regard, Captain?” asks Draven in a tired sort of voice.

“I can only speak for myself and Erso, we would need a pilot-“ 

Bodhi wakes up long enough to raise a hand. “Present.”

“Explain to me how you want to replace a few hundred armed fighters with yourself, a pilot and a vindictive stray?”

“I think I should join them as well,” Kay-Too interjects and Cassian throws him a sideward glance.

“It would be risky. But with a little time, we could sneak in and get the door open for you. The fewer we are, the less likely we are to get noticed.”

“That sounds like a suicide mission to me, Captain,” says Senator Organa with a frown.

“It sounds like a stupid idea, as I told you twice already. You'll get yourself killed, which won't help any of us,” Draven says with a sigh. “Who even came up with that-“

“It’s risky, not impossible. We’ve done it before,” Cassian replies, his impatience nearly bleeding through his voice now.

"Whose idea was it?" Draven repeats in a very worn tone. “Was it Erso?“

Cassian says nothing, which is answer enough. Bodhi sees his hands close around the edge of the desk, and desperately hopes the general isn't lining up to fire a shot at Jyn. That would not end well.

“Well, she's not here and she wasn't with us on the mission, I know how much faith you have in that girl's assessment, but this is honestly idiotic.” Draven mutters. “Fuck Erso, seriously.”

Oh Force, Bodhi thinks and reflexively ducks under the desk. That man is dead. _Dead._ The Captain might have a stiff shoulder, and stiff knees too if he’s to be believed, but Bodhi has little doubt he could take anyone in this room, even without the blaster underneath his jacket.

And Cassian probably hasn’t slept in the last forty-nine hours, either, and he’s been tense and moody all day, and Draven is _dead._

A very strained silence hangs in the room and Bodhi starts wondering what he’ll do. He’s sitting close enough to be reprimanded if he doesn’t step in, but he’d have to be suicidal to put himself into the Captain’s way...

Then someone starts laughing.

Bodhi frowns. It’s not that he has heard that laugh a lot of times, but he _does_ recognise it. After another moment of hesitation, he resurfaces to find Cassian with his face buried in his hands, shaking with breathless laughter.

Everybody else in the room seems about as prepared for that sight as Bodhi is. Even Draven looks mildly confused his careless remark hasn’t got him beaten to a pulp yet.

“Um. Captain?” Bodhi asks tentatively when he doesn’t stop, but Cassian just shakes his head.

“I think he’s hysterical,” K-2SO says matter-of-factly, and Bodhi finds himself agreeing with the droid.

“Captain?”

“’m fine,” he gasps out, waving a hand at Bodhi, his breath slowing down a little. “I’m sorry, Senator,” he mutters, glancing up at the Princess, “gentlemen, I’m afraid I won’t be much use to anyone until I’ve had a few hours of sleep.” He gets to his feet, throws Draven a dirty look and adds, in a voice that is suddenly very much void of humour: “Was that an order, _sir,_ or just an insult?"

Draven looks confused and opens his mouth to answer, but is cut off. "Don't bother. I take offense either way.” 

His superior looks a little taken aback at being spoken to in such fashion, and by a dutiful, obedient officer like Cassian, but settles for a quiet: “Alright then, you may go, Andor.”

“I didn't even mean - he needn’t take that so kryffing personally,” Draven mutters and shakes his head - once the Captain has left the room, of course. “Besides, Force knows we’d all be better off for it-”

The Princess clears her throat and throws him a reprimanding glance.

Bodhi frowns and gets to his feet as well. “I’ll just... go see if he’s... alright?”

When his stammering is not met with immediate disagreement, he hurries out of the door after Cassian. 

“Captain?”

Cassian turns around and throws him a rueful half-smile. “Sorry, Bodhi, I’m done, I need to sleep.”

Bodhi raises a brow at him. “There’s a sentence I thought I’d never hear from you.”

“That conversation isn’t going anywhere in the next ten hours,” he says with a shrug.

“What was so funny? I thought you were going to break his jaw, personally.”

“I just appreciate the irony,” he says drily and leans against the wall. He does look _awfully_ tired.

“What?” Bodhi says blandly, his frown deepening.

He just shrugs and a smirk tugs at his lips. “Take it from me, that wouldn’t change her mind, either.”

“Wait.” Something clinks into place. _“Wait._ When did that... I- I don’t wanna know.”

“Good,” Cassian replies, with nothing but the faintest glimmer of a smile in his eyes, “I’m not about to tell you.” Then he pats Bodhi’s shoulder and adds: “Get some rest. If they can excuse me, they can excuse you as well. We deserved our sleep, and since we’re still waiting to intercept the codes anyway...”

“Probably,” Bodhi says and pushes his hands down his pockets. 

“Walking right out of a meeting with Senator Organa? Jyn’s gonna be proud of us,” he mutters with a lopsided smile and shakes his head.

“You know, I think she’s rubbing off on us,” Bodhi says and supresses a smile. “You especially. I’m not sure that’s a good thing.”

“I’m sure it’s a bad thing,” he replies in a strained voice and adds quietly: “But we live on borrowed time, and I’m not about to waste any more of it.”

Borrowed time, Bodhi thinks with a sigh. There it is, the shard of raw emptiness sticking in all their hearts, the glimmer of desperation in his eyes. They’re all a little desperate these days – desperate to forget.

Bodhi hopes they help each other. He really does.

“Well, see you tomorrow, then.”

“Huh. Provided I don’t pass out before I make it to my bed,” Cassian murmurs and pushes himself off the wall with his good arm. “Good night.”

 

* * *

 

The door whirrs open and he staggers into the dark room, considering whether or not to take his boots off before he falls into bed, when he hears a soft noise and gives a start.

A string of curses falls from his lips, none of them in Common, and he stumbles back against the wall, heart in his throat and a hand on his blaster.

“’s me, calm down.”

The automatic door whirrs shut in this very moment, engulfing the room in total darkness.

He tries to even his breathing. “Jyn?”

“Were you expecting someone else?” Her voice is slurred with sleep.

That is a little unfair, really. He hasn’t expected anyone in his bed – he can’t remember ever expecting to find someone there, to be quite honest. He _took_ someone there, at best. And he wouldn’t know whether or not Jyn makes a habit out of it, because the first time they kissed was less than three weeks ago.

“Force, you’re giving me a heart attack,” he mutters, shaking his head, and feels for the light switch. 

“You already had one,” she replies darkly, crawls out of bed and deliberately steps on his toes when she steps in to kiss him. He winds his arms around her and pushes a hand into her tangled hair.

“My heart stopped, for two seconds, it’s not the same,” he murmurs, pulls her closer and presses a kiss to her neck. “And that was over a year ago.”

Seventeen months. Seventeen months they’ve borrowed, and counting. There’s a steep price for all of it, but just now, he is grateful.

“How many?” she whispers, fingers clawing into his back. 

“Just one,” he mutters, running his fingers through her hair. “Twenty year-old kid from Naboo, ran straight into the blaster fire.”

“You okay?”

“Fine. Bodhi and I got off without a scratch.”

“Not a scratch,” she repeats gently, fingers digging deeper, and ask again, very softly: “How many?”

A number of stormtroopers flashes in front of his eyes, and he remembers the weight of a grenade in his hands. 

He buries his face in her hair. “I don’t know.”

She nods against his neck, then takes his hands in hers. “Come on.”

He lets her pull him towards the bed and drops heavily on the mattress. She curls up beside him and pulls the blanket over them both.

He brushes his fingers over the bacta patch sticking to her upper arm. _We match,_ was all she said, albeit through gritted teeth, when she got hit by that blaster, and it had eventually taken Bodhi, three doctors and Senator Organa backing him up to make her stay behind for their next mission.

“Feeling better?”

“Don’t think I’ll stay behind again, Cassian.”

“I know,” he mutters, pulling her closer. He hates to admit it, but he didn’t want her to. He’d been tempted to selfishly not talk her out of it. He feels like he needs her beside him in a fight, when he doesn’t, he feels like his luck has deserted him. 

She puts her hand over his and leans into him a little more. 

She doesn’t say anything – _I’ve missed you, I’m scared for you, IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou_ \- they haven’t, and he has a feeling they never really will. They didn’t speak a word on that elevator, and he feels like, in a way, they’ve been stuck in that elevator ever since.

He thinks he knows most of it anyway.

He thinks they live on borrowed time, and he thinks that, once the elevator moves again, there will be bigger things than words to worry about.

They live on borrowed time, and every time that he doesn’t fall asleep alone is a blessing he never deserved.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, this may seem out of character, but... have you ever been really, really, really tired? And probably also deprived of all kinds of vitamins and other stuff? It makes you into a really weird person, and I get pretty giggly when I haven't slept for a long period of time, so. That's the only excuse I have.


End file.
